Something I Gotta Do!

It’s coming.  It’s something I gotta do.  It started as an idea rolling around in my head and I couldn’t get away from it.  Finally I accepted it as something that maybe God wanted me to do.  I still don’t really know why, maybe I will never know, and maybe God doesn’t have anything to do with it. And that’s ok too.                                                   

But it meant the most when I dared tell my husband and son my idea and low and behold… they thought it was a great, told me to go for it.  So I did, or I have, or I am… going for it. 

I journaled, I outlined, I wrote, an editor accepted me as a client, I networked, found a publicist who loves the idea, a typesetter, and I wrote more.  I met many professionals who loved the sample chapters and cheered me on.  My writing was elementary, some was horrible, and some…. to my surprise was pretty awesome.  My editor challenged me, taught me, and made me re-do, and re-work, re-think… what exactly was I trying to say? 

And now the idea is about to be born.  My first book, Before You Go, will be released this spring. 

What is the thing YOU gotta do?  Let me encourage you to go for it.  You will learn so much in the process.

You Just Never Know

This week my sister’s husband died suddenly.  He was in his early 50’s; sad, tragic and overwhelming for my sister.  This is such a powerful reminder to never take your loved ones for granted.  It is not a cliché, live as if this is your last day together.  Let little things go, pick your battles, and for goodness sake, tell your husband/wife/kids you love them…every day!

Take time to ask yourself, “If my spouse/child/friend died today what would I regret?”  What are the things you need to say?  What are the things you need to do for the health of the relationship?  Stop putting it off, find the money, the time, the courage and just do it.  Then if something happens, you will be sad, you will grieve, but… you will have no regrets.

Norm, this is dedicated to you, thank you for loving Renee so well!

Do You Claim Your Spouse?

A few weeks ago I was introduced to a gentleman like this.               

My friend: “Meet John, he is married to Susan, you know his wife Susan from work.”

John: (in a snarky tone of voice) “I’m NOT married to Susan, SHE is married to ME.”

I walked away wondering what does that mean?  John’s response, although he was trying to be funny, seemed demeaning to his wife Susan.  It was weird.  The exchange made we wonder if he was ashamed or embarrassed by her?  He didn’t seem too excited to claim her as his spouse.  Ok, I admit if my hubby said that about me I think I would be ticked.  (Incidentally, I know Susan and I think she is a really good person.)

Women, and probably men too have a need to feel chosen.  This need never really goes away even if you have been together for a long time. It reassures us that our spouses are still glad they picked us and THAT fuels our sense of security in the relationship.  If we regret who we selected for our spouse then… that’s a bigger issue and needs to be addressed in a better way than a sarcastic comment disguised as a joke.

Divorce Makes Me Sad

The past couple of weeks I have been discouraged about the impact of divorce.  I have talked to so many individuals lately that are in the midst of dissolving their marriages.  They are despairing, worried and floundering.  Their children are so sad, angry and can’t come to terms with why the two most important people in their world don’t want to be together anymore.

This is in no way a judgment or criticism; it is simply an expression of sadness. Regardless of the situation the fact is…divorce hurts and that makes me sad. Sometimes the failure, mistakes and vulnerability of our humanness is a heavy burden on the heart.  We are imperfect people so we mess up, our mess ups can cause serious pain.

So in the storm of divorce I am so thankful for a God that loves unconditionally, forgives even the most horrible, and can be counted on regardless.  Thankful for God that doesn’t take sides, doesn’t shut down when things get hard.  My prayer tonight, “God, comfort all those hurting because of divorce and God… please help me be more like you. Amen”

How To Be Married for 30 Years

Today is my 30^th wedding anniversary.  Like all couples, we have experienced the full spectrum of easy and hard times.  I love Mitch Milton deeply and I am very grateful for our life together. Here are my suggestions for lasting 30 years and beyond. 

• Start out knowing it may not always be easy but you are signed up for life
• Laugh, a lot… I mean it; laugh like your marriage depends on it.
•  Believe in God; trust Him even when you may not understand.
•  Enjoy sex and have lots of it.
• Cultivate a network of supportive loving people, friends, family and the occasional stranger.
•  Have your own individual identity, interests or hobbies separate from your spouse.
• Learn to argue, don’t ignore stuff that really bothers you, BUT…. Only argue when you can do it with kindness and respect
• Don’t compare yourself to others; enjoy what is unique about your marriage.
• Appreciate the simple rituals you share. (coffee together in the morning, kiss hello when you return home from work, sitting together watching the kid’s sporting events)
• Accept your spouse for who they are, quit trying to change them.
• Get help when you need it.

Tolerance for Discomfort

Just came home from the funeral of a man who had been married to his wife for 63 years.  He died suddenly at the age of 83.   

He was a great guy loved by many but certainly not perfect, no one is.  As I listened to his wife talk about their marriage over the years it was apparent she had wonderful memories of sharing life with him.  But she also was honest about there being times of struggle.  Issues came up over the years because they were both imperfect and not always able to meet the others’ needs. 

I was impressed by how they had learned to accept and tolerate each others weaknesses.  They figured out a way to tolerate the discomfort stemming from the imperfections and oddities of the other person. 

Many of us are not that good at tolerating discomfort.  When we feel disappointed in our spouse, unhappy, and frustrated with our choice in a mate, we start looking for an escape…. Cause it doesn’t feel good to be uncomfortable. Oh yeah... I've been there.

My advice: get comfortable with being emotionally uncomfortable. (It is a mark of maturity to delay gratification and maintain impulse control)  Learn to hang in there until your dissatisfaction and discomfort passes.  Direct your focus to what you spouse does well rather than where he or she screws up.

Fast Free Immediate Help For Marriages: Read

Yep, that’s my profound advice today for husbands and wives wanting a better marriage; start reading. In fact, schedule once a week to read for 15 minutes on the topic of successful marriages.  By taking in some information about marriage, just a few minutes a week, what works, what doesn’t’, what others are struggling with, what seems to be helpful...etc. this can make a positive difference in your own marriage. 

Make reading a habit when things are going well in your relationship and you will have stored great information in your head or favorites list on your computer for when things are not going so well.

When we face challenges in our marriages we can get anxious and want answers.  I have found immediate ideas that may help me solve my relationship issue when reviewing what others have say about it. These ideas are only a mouse click away. (But, duh… remember that you can’t trust everything you read on the Internet)

An excellent website to start with: http://www.smartmarriages.com it is full of great articles and good information.