Apologies Don’t Come If They Don’t Know They Hurt You

I am doing some research on the topic of apologies.  The process seems so simple in the articles I have read.  A few important steps to an effective apology, but the steps are basic. Yet repeatedly individuals tell me that they have waited for years, sometimes a lifetime, to hear a genuine, “I’m sorry” from another person that hurt them.  Why don't people apologize?

I realized in these situations perhaps the offender does not know they offended the person.  The offender does not know there is any thing to apologize for.  I reflect back to wounded places inside me that are left unhealed; times when others hurt me.  Many of those painful places are places where I never did tell the person how much they hurt me.  I assumed they should know.   Thinking it over, I really don’t think they do know.  I should never assume.


Back when the wrongs happened I was not courageous enough to tell them, "hey, uh.. when you did ______ that really hurt me."   And… to be honest, at this point, I don’t want to revisit wounds from long ago.  To tell them now would be to risk seeing a blank look on their face and me feeling the need to go into a lengthy explanation that I am just not up for.  I guess I will not pick at old scabs.


It is best to tell someone they offended and or hurt you at the time of the occurrence! 

It is my responsibility as the offended to inform my offender of the hurt he/she caused me.  There are good, bad and VERY bad ways to do this.  Going forward I want to do better.  I will strive to grow, to speak up (hopefully with wisdom and tact) and tell others when they have hurt me.  If an apology comes... great, if not, at least I know I did my part.

I Love Mother's Day

I love mother’s day!  It always reminds me of the best miracle Mitch and I ever experienced.  We prayed for a long time to become parents.  I spent many days crying, so sad, longing to be pregnant. 

Then it happened.  My pregnancy was one grand celebration.  I felt happy, excited, and couldn’t believe I was having a baby.  During the pregnancy I could be seen consuming peanut m&m’s and chocolate milk in mass quantities, it was my celebratory food of choice.  Yikes!  Could be why I gained a lot of weight. 

Derek came 6 weeks early, his first 48 hours we were filled with fear that he was too sick to survive.  But he did, making me the happiest mother in the world.

I relished and cherished each sleepless night of his infancy.  Regardless of the hour of the night I would slip out of bed with joy at the thought of finally having my own precious son. 

Thanks Derek for making me a mom, love you!

I Will Get It Done!

Today I will get it done.  I will tackle the things I have been procrastinating for several weeks.  I will force myself to finish up my project. 

Ugh…. It’s Saturday and my tired side wants to go to the Amish Bakery, eat carbs all day, and sit staring out at the lake, nap.  And you know what? I could do this Saturday that way, using the rationale that I work very hard all week, and my job is intense and now I need a break.  But………….. That would only leave me feeling like a lump, a slug.  Monday would come and I would feel guilty. 

So, I will go for my walk/run.  I will start and finish writing the second to last chapter of my first book. (To my editor – ‘it’s coming, I promise.”)  I will shop for a swim suit, (worst task of all).  I will clean the toilet. 

What do you need to do this weekend?  Just think how good you will feel when Monday comes and you got your stuff done.  Come on now, get up and do it, no more excuses.

Five Powerful Minutes

Just sat with a dear friend as her elderly mom gently transitioned from this life to getting ready to enter heaven.  My friend was thrilled to report that she finally experienced the long awaited resolve of a very difficult conflict between her mom and herself.  Stuff had come between them for many years.

“In five minutes I got what I needed and I cannot express how amazingly better I feel! “It was a 5 minute conversation that included forgiveness and a short prayer in the quiet privacy of mom’s hospital room,” she said as tears rolled down her face.  I hugged her and thanked her so much for sharing the moment with me. 

It got me thinking, sometimes when we have long standing issues with those we love, we long for a dramatic lengthy reunion, multiple intense therapy sessions, fall down prayer experiences that will make all the complex hurtful past fall into place.  Sadly we won’t be satisfied until we have an EPIC resolution. 

How wonderful to know that it doesn’t’ always require a long drawn out process or earth shattering miracle.  Sometimes even years of hurt can be soothed and healed within a brief sacred moment.  Love it when God works like that.

Warp Speed Talking!

Had coffee with a friend today.  We had not been together for a long time.  We sat for 3 hours and it seemed like 30 minutes.  Like it is with heart to heart friends, we jumped in right to the core of things that matter. 

I bet others in the coffee shop thought we were on drugs, we chatted rapid fire without pause.  We didn’t solve any of the world’s problems but I felt so good afterward.  It was therapy.  Someone to open up to, someone to care, someone to laugh, and someone to really hear me, ahhh loved it. 

I can’t put all my expectations and need for deep communication on my husband; it is not fair to him.  Because I can be a bottomless pit when it comes to needing to be heard.  That’s why my relationships with my women friends are so valuable, they provide me with a safe place to talk, process, and sometimes, yes I’ll say it…. Bitch.  So bring on more coffee dates with the girlfriends.  I recommend you give it a try.

I Love Old Men

Men over 80, that’s who I like hanging out with.  I love how they mutter, clear their throats, I love the banded waist of their shirts and jackets.  I love their worn hands, ears, noses.  I really love how they let me tease them and they tease back.  Some of my favorite old men, Doc Rock who calls me beautiful and young, my grandpa Peck who pats me and says, “honey… it’ll be alright,” and Don Kiefer who yells out, “hey baby!” as I walk by his house. What’s not to love, right? 

They have found joy in simple things and they have to tell others about it, sometimes over and over…

(“Say, did you see that they’re building a new road…. It’s really somethin’ why, those workers…just amazing…”) 

I have found older men have a wonderful way of putting things in perspective.  They have lived long enough to see a whole lot of life. They know first hand most things work themselves out; no reason to get all uptight about it.  It’s a lesson I need to learn and re-learn. 

So here’s to the old duffers, codgers, wise guys, love, love, love you old men!

So Funny!

I love to laugh.  This week I was talking with a colleague, he had been a catholic priest and we began to trade church stories.  He talked of an old priest accidentally dropping the “Body of Christ” in the cleavage of a woman wearing a low cut dress.  I shared the wondrous memory of my dad, while preaching, combining the phrases, fire fighters and fire starters only for it to come out “fire farters!”  

On and on we went; my co-worker and I, laughing louder and longer with each new story.  It felt wonderful; it was the best free therapy I had had in a long time. 

Laughter is very important sign of a healthy relationship.  It’s right up there with good sex. “Laughter establishes and restores a positive emotional climate and a sense of connection between two people, who literally take pleasure in the company of each other.” Hara Estroff Marano   I couldn’t have said it better myself. 

How you doin’ laughing with your spouse, kids, friends?  Make it a goal for the weekend.