Divorce Makes Me Sad

The past couple of weeks I have been discouraged about the impact of divorce.  I have talked to so many individuals lately that are in the midst of dissolving their marriages.  They are despairing, worried and floundering.  Their children are so sad, angry and can’t come to terms with why the two most important people in their world don’t want to be together anymore.

This is in no way a judgment or criticism; it is simply an expression of sadness. Regardless of the situation the fact is…divorce hurts and that makes me sad. Sometimes the failure, mistakes and vulnerability of our humanness is a heavy burden on the heart.  We are imperfect people so we mess up, our mess ups can cause serious pain.

So in the storm of divorce I am so thankful for a God that loves unconditionally, forgives even the most horrible, and can be counted on regardless.  Thankful for God that doesn’t take sides, doesn’t shut down when things get hard.  My prayer tonight, “God, comfort all those hurting because of divorce and God… please help me be more like you. Amen”

How To Be Married for 30 Years

Today is my 30^th wedding anniversary.  Like all couples, we have experienced the full spectrum of easy and hard times.  I love Mitch Milton deeply and I am very grateful for our life together. Here are my suggestions for lasting 30 years and beyond. 

• Start out knowing it may not always be easy but you are signed up for life
• Laugh, a lot… I mean it; laugh like your marriage depends on it.
•  Believe in God; trust Him even when you may not understand.
•  Enjoy sex and have lots of it.
• Cultivate a network of supportive loving people, friends, family and the occasional stranger.
•  Have your own individual identity, interests or hobbies separate from your spouse.
• Learn to argue, don’t ignore stuff that really bothers you, BUT…. Only argue when you can do it with kindness and respect
• Don’t compare yourself to others; enjoy what is unique about your marriage.
• Appreciate the simple rituals you share. (coffee together in the morning, kiss hello when you return home from work, sitting together watching the kid’s sporting events)
• Accept your spouse for who they are, quit trying to change them.
• Get help when you need it.

Tolerance for Discomfort

Just came home from the funeral of a man who had been married to his wife for 63 years.  He died suddenly at the age of 83.   

He was a great guy loved by many but certainly not perfect, no one is.  As I listened to his wife talk about their marriage over the years it was apparent she had wonderful memories of sharing life with him.  But she also was honest about there being times of struggle.  Issues came up over the years because they were both imperfect and not always able to meet the others’ needs. 

I was impressed by how they had learned to accept and tolerate each others weaknesses.  They figured out a way to tolerate the discomfort stemming from the imperfections and oddities of the other person. 

Many of us are not that good at tolerating discomfort.  When we feel disappointed in our spouse, unhappy, and frustrated with our choice in a mate, we start looking for an escape…. Cause it doesn’t feel good to be uncomfortable. Oh yeah... I've been there.

My advice: get comfortable with being emotionally uncomfortable. (It is a mark of maturity to delay gratification and maintain impulse control)  Learn to hang in there until your dissatisfaction and discomfort passes.  Direct your focus to what you spouse does well rather than where he or she screws up.

Fast Free Immediate Help For Marriages: Read

Yep, that’s my profound advice today for husbands and wives wanting a better marriage; start reading. In fact, schedule once a week to read for 15 minutes on the topic of successful marriages.  By taking in some information about marriage, just a few minutes a week, what works, what doesn’t’, what others are struggling with, what seems to be helpful...etc. this can make a positive difference in your own marriage. 

Make reading a habit when things are going well in your relationship and you will have stored great information in your head or favorites list on your computer for when things are not going so well.

When we face challenges in our marriages we can get anxious and want answers.  I have found immediate ideas that may help me solve my relationship issue when reviewing what others have say about it. These ideas are only a mouse click away. (But, duh… remember that you can’t trust everything you read on the Internet)

An excellent website to start with: http://www.smartmarriages.com it is full of great articles and good information.

Dads!

So thankful that father’s day causes me to pause and reflect on the great dad I have.  Dads are so important in a girl’s life.  It is no secret that our early relationship with our fathers has a strong influence on how we perceive God and what kind of husbands we choose.

My dad was fun; he was a preacher but never stuffy, pious or arrogant.  He played with us, laughed with us, and allowed us to be ourselves.  I remember at five years old he rode the Ferris wheel with us and when we reached the top, he convinced us to take off our shoes and throw them down towards our mom sitting on the park bench below.

One of his best traits was teasing us and then, as we got older, allowing us to tease him, one of my very favorite things.  For example, my dad pronounces bagel as baggle, and we laugh every time. (Oh, the examples are endless)

Thanks Dad for your influence in my life.

Too Cheerful

In the past couple months I have been told twice that I am too cheerful.  (And no, I’m not on drugs.) “Yeah, you kinda need to bring it down a notch,” said one woman.  Okay that hurt, I instantly became defensive thinking, what’s so bad about being cheerful? (I wanted to say in my meanest voice, “oh yeah, at least I’m not ugly.”  Then stick out my tongue, not very nice.)  I would take cheerful over cranky any day.  I did not like hearing someone criticize my personality.  These encounters made me feel small, and flung open the door to my insecurities.

                                                    

This makes me consider how to deal with the disapproval of others.  I must confess, I still want everyone to like me.  But that isn’t the reality of life.  There will always be people that don’t like me, don’t get me, don’t approve of me…. Sigh.

That’s why it’s important to know how to embrace my value.  Once in awhile I have to be my biggest fan.  I must remember my worth comes from God.  He made me and loves me regardless.

Passing on the Left!

I commute to work and I love finding safe and legal ways to pass the slower drivers so I can get ahead in order to get to my destination quicker.  I often hear myself say out loud to other drivers, “come on let’s get there already!”  It reminds me that I am not a fan of the cliche, “Enjoy the journey.”   

Very often we grow impatient, irritated at the time it takes to reach whatever our goal or destination is.  We look for short cuts to just get us there.  This can be troublesome when it comes to our relationships. 

Good relationships take time, they don’t develop instantaneously.  Good relationships get good by individuals experiencing life together, facing difficulties, triumphs, disasters, and occasional boredom.  Life over time provides us with the ingredients needed to figure out what works and more importantly, what doesn’t. 

So stop insisting you have to have the perfect relationship NOW. Settle in, keep your heart and mind open to learn as you go along, watch, listen and look for the gifts along the way.