The Pig Has To Go!

We spent the past two weeks moving. How in the world did we accumulate so much stuff?  This was the move that the pig cutting board was finally laid to rest.  He left the house in a bag of garbage.   

We had received the pig cutting board for a wedding gift 30 years ago!  Each time we moved in the past I have debated, do I throw it out or keep it?  Although it rarely gets used and takes up room in the cupboard, I just never had the heart to pitch it.  I still remember unwrapping it along with our other wedding gifts and not quite knowing how to react.  It would be the most “interesting” gift we received. 

Made me think of other stuff we can carry around in our marriages that should be cleaned out and thrown away.  There are things about ourselves or our spouse we don’t like and rather then deal with them, we keep hauling them with us throughout our life.  When we finally “clean out the cupboard” we make room for something new, hopefully something better.  How about those grudges, resentment, buried hurts, maybe it’s time to pack ‘em up with the pig and set them on the curb!  Just a thought.

Tick Toc, Tick Toc

Have the night to myself. Supper consisted of BBQ potato chips, guacamole, Italian bread, and chocolate chips for dessert!  My comfy jammies on at 5:30pm, the remote control in my hand, Ahhhhh.                      

Time alone is important it gives us opportunity to just “be.”  We are unhinged from constraints or expectations of others.  I think of it as free form for the soul. Our mind, emotions, physical body can go whatever direction we want.  For a brief period of time there is only us to consider.  It is a chance to attend to our own needs.   

Of course this must be balanced with the rest of our lives and time with others who are important to us.  But if your spouse asks for time alone, assume it is not personal, don’t get offended.  Congratulate them and doing something healthy.

Let me know if you want my recipe for my guacamole concoction.

Tax Deadline - Relationship Deadline

In addition to having been in ministry, my husband is also a CPA.  Each year as the tax deadline approaches, we typically get several calls from those needing his help.  They readily admit they are stuck, don’t know how to fill out their form, or want his opinion to confirm they did it correctly.  Usually he can help and they are relieved knowing it is completed and sent in on time.

Rarely do these individuals hesitate to call and ask for help when they need it.  Rarely do they complain or resist his minimal fees for doing their taxes.  It got me thinking…I wish calling, asking, paying were this easy when we need help in our relationships! 

It is often difficult to ask for help when we are struggling with our marriages, friendships, or parenting skills.  I get stuck thinking, “I should be able to handle this!”  But sometimes I don’t know how to handle it and I usually wait too long to ask for help.  I am getting better though.  Like taxes maybe it would work to have a due date for marriages too.  By April 15^th every year we have to have our review of our relationship report done and turned into someone???

As a wife and a therapist I can attest to the fact that getting help sooner in the struggle or strain is way more effective than waiting and hoping it somehow will take care of itself.  The intervention, advice and outcome go much better and rarely do we regret it even if we have to pay money.

Be Inspired

Good speakers inspire me.  It is not really so much their content that inspires me the most, it is usually about their skill as orators. After being inspired by a speaker I am energized to put together another speech of my own.  I like public speaking; I love the thrill of knowing that somehow I connected with the audience emotionally.

Cute old couples inspire me to be a better wife.  I watch these gray haired husbands and wives together, hearing aids, wrinkled hands, walkers and all.  When I see they are still patient, tolerant, and kind to each other after many years of marriage, I am moved deeply.  They have weathered the storms that life brought and they are still hangin’ tough. The whole scene leaves me teary eyed and sentimental and I am usually much more loving to my husband at the end of the day. 

Of course different things inspire each of us.  For some it is a walk in nature, or a good movie.  Whatever inspires you I think it is important to make time for it.  Inspiration encourages and motivates us to be better; and we all have areas where we can be better.

Spill Your Guts!

Yesterday I was an unwilling witness to a wife venting, spewing her deep unhappiness with her husband’s behavior.  Her concerns were valid, her feelings were real, her objections were reasonable.  But her timing was TERRIBLE.   

The three of us, the wife, husband and I standing in a hallway, were having a conversation, and it was two minutes until we all needed to be somewhere else; this is when she unloads. Sheesh!  Her husband looked shell shocked.  I had no time to try to facilitate good conversation between them or clarify what she meant.  

We all have the right to bring up our concerns and vent when we need to.  But timing is everything.  Consider these suggestions: pick the right time, right place, and the right audience.  When we spill out guts it just gets worse if we do it with someone, or at some time or in some place that is inappropriate.

March Madness

March madness, May madness, Mune and Muly madness… find something to go mad over each month!  During March Madness I enjoy cheering on the Badgers with my husband.  March madness finds us yelling, “Go Bucky!”  I even pretend I understand the whole bracket thing and occasionally fill one out.  It is fun to watch the games together and share the good food that goes with it.

Makes me think about how good it is to share something with your spouse that you can cheer for together.  Rooting for the same team, the same cause, the same person, can bring you closer together.  Focused and united on an issue helps you feel connected.  These are simple things that help bring you together and prevent “creeping separateness,” as C.S. Lewis calls it.

Go Bucky!

This Too Shall Pass

This morning  I am reminded of another popular phrase, “This Too Shall Pass.”   Until it does pass, hang in there.  When I am facing difficult circumstances I take a deep breath, grab a hold of this and move on to the instructions from the New Testament, “Attach your thoughts to whatever is pure, lovely, admirable, if anything is excellent or praiseworthy think on these things.” Phil. 4:8.  Simply put, THINK ABOUT GOOD STUFF!

It is easy to get bogged down under worry and negativity, with good reason.  Sometimes life just keeps throwing us really big problems, they punch us in the gut and take our breath away.

But today as Wisconsin enjoys a premature spring day I will focus on what is lovely.  I will release my concerns and let God care for them.  I will notice the warm air, the sunshine, the grass already looking green and the trees that are budding with new life.  I will go for a walk outside and end my day… with a dairy queen blizzard!

Goals…. She scored!!

I have been busy at work developing goals for the grief services at Agrace HospiceCare.  It requires me to think big picture, long term.  I begin by asking, “What do I want us to accomplish?”

I recommend this same process for our relationships.  We increase the likelihood of succeeding in something if we actually formulate and state specific goals for it.  What might be the result of a conversation with your spouse, a friend, or child that begins with, “So… what do we want to accomplish in this relationship?”  Another way to say it is, “Down the road, several years from now, what do we want to say is true of us?” 

Here are a few of my goals for my marriage:

• Remain committed (and be glad about it) together till one of us dies
• On-going efforts to review, tweak, and improve our relationship
• Ask for help and get it when we need it (counseling, prayers, books or workshops)
• Retain a sense of friendship, fun and passion

What would your goals be?

Consider having this conversation with those you are in close relationship with. It can be a great way to connect.

Is There Craig's List for Marriage?

We love Craig’s List.  We have sold several items we no longer want.  Simply posting them and shazam… people come, actually give us money and cart off their treasure, (our clutter).

But it’s not that easy with the junk we don’t’ want in our relationships.  It often takes time, effort, patience, and lots of energy to remove the barriers to a healthy relationship. (And no one gives us money for them either)

The rewards we get for our efforts toward a healthier relationship are much greater than the cash in hand for our unwanted furniture.  So hang in there, be encouraged, you will like the pay off.

Whew, how did you do it?

While leading a grief support group for individuals who have lost their spouse I met an elderly gentleman.  His wife of 69 years had just died.  He missed her terribly.  I had to ask, “What is the secret to being married to the same person for that many years?”  Tearfully he replied,
      
“Accept and Adjust!”

 I have thought about that many times.  It is simple yet profound.  Typically we resist that simple advice.  It is hard to accept others, especially our spouse. It is easier to complain, nag, worry, shut down and disengage. 

 There is a certain freedom in acceptance of our spouse.  When we truly accept them for who they are it creates a space for us to love them unconditionally.  Something to think about.

What Did You Say?

I like to talk.  I am out going and typically don’t have trouble making conversation. My verbal skills also play a huge role in how I make sense of my world. When something is troubling me I think about it then I want to talk about it.  I may need to talk about it several times over.  Even when there is no new information I often have to say all the same things…again.  Hearing myself speak has a way of realigning my brain and it frees me up to finally let it go; whatever “it” is.  

Fortunately I am married to a guy that is a really good listener. He is better than I am at this skill and I am a therapist.  (Yep, opposites attract) He learned early on that being my sounding board was a great gift that he could give me.  He has also mastered the art of listening without trying to “fix” the problem.  And I think it actually takes pressure off him to know I am not asking for a solution, just an audience.

How often do you give your spouse, friend, family member the gift of really listening?

It's Not Rocket Science

I was in the grocery store the other day and I over heard a young couple talking back and forth to each other as they shopped.  Talk about cranky and harsh, yikes!  Their tone of voice was so biting and mean.  I was embarrassed for them. 

Again I was reminded of what I think is profound advice to help couples, ready for it...here it is, BE NICE!  Think about it, can you imagine how much better our interactions with our spouse and others would be if we followed the advice of our moms, to be nice?  I know, it doesn’t’ solve everything, but rather than jumping into expensive, deep therapeutic interventions, digging into the depths of our childhood trauma, escaping through unhealthy coping mechanisms… being nice is a simple place to begin to see change in our relationships.  Go ahead, try it, be nice to someone today.

That is Sexy!

Now that’s Sexy!

 Yesterday at 3pm about the time I need a nap, beautiful lavender roses were delivered to my office with a simple card that says, “I love you.”  They were from Mitch, my husband.  It was not our anniversary, my birthday, or another special day, it was… just because.

Hubba, hubba, a simple, unexpected surprise letting me know he was thinking of me, (and spent money no less) that is a turn on.

I think that a lot of women react similarly.  The sweet spontaneous gesture sends us into a tizzy.  To us, that is sexy, it a great pre-cursor to other activities…  you know what I mean!!