Wake up and work on it

  Just spent time with 4 couples who have come together to work on their relationships.  I commend their courage.  They are all strangers but have decided to take action, enroll in the group and see what happens.  We will spend the next several weeks exploring some really hard issues.  They will work hard to be honest, open, and take responsibility for their growth and improvement.  They will do the homework and have the conversations with each other that lead to greater transparency and intimacy.  It is so cool to watch them evolve from strangers to friends who care about each other.

  Each time I lead a couples therapy group I am amazed at how it changes me.  I am always inspired to try harder in my own marriage.   It points out my own  areas of complacency, as often happens, I come away getting more out of it than I predicted.

It’s good to do things that wake us up to our relationships.  It is easy to be sleepy, and take each other for granted.  Way more beneficial to be alert, to try harder, to be sweeter, kinder.  What inspires you to work on your relationships?

Upside Down Relationships

With our current economy, have you heard the phrase,” they are upside down in their home and they have no options but to walk away from it?”  I understand it means that the house is now worth less than what is owed on the mortgage which they no longer can afford.  Tragic.

I was thinking about being upside down in relationships.  What happens when a relationship is worth less to me then how much I need to “pay” into it to make it work?  What if I cannot afford to pay any longer?  This could be a problem.

There are times when our personal investment of time, emotional energy, money, and sacrifice is no longer worth it.  We begin to see the destruction of ourselves as we sacrifice too much in order to try maintain the relationship.  Not only do we feel upside down, we feel crazy, exhausted, and defeated.

Sometimes we decide to stay engaged in the relationship and keep looking for options to help ease the stress and strain.  Sometimes we walk away.  Neither choice is an easy one.  If you are in this predicament, may God give you strength and wisdom to make the right choice.

It's not all rainbows, unicorns and fairy dust.

Look, I realize if you don’t know me well, on the surface I can come across as a Pollyanna.  I tend to see the cup as half full, look on the brighter side etc. etc.  When we are hurting this type of person can be annoying. Trust me; I am personally aware that sometimes it is very hard to see the brighter side of our relationships.  Sometimes things are just plain hard, and only get harder.  When we love others, we take a risk; it can set us up for heartache.

I too have had seasons where all I can do is breathe and wait, hoping that tomorrow it won't hurt so bad.  During personal difficulties I have a phrase I repeat to myself, “Time passes, God moves, and things change.”  It is not a magic formula or quick fix but this is my experience.

Have Fun

I am a big advocate of fun.  When is the last time you and your spouse had fun?  How does your spouse define fun?  We are going to have fun today; we are going to walk around Home Depot and look at kitchen displays, dreaming of our perfect kitchen.  We are getting ready to finally remodel our cottage kitchen.  We have been talking about it for years, now we actually get to do it.  So, spending time in Home Depot is REALLY going to be fun, seriously it is.  Then who knows what that might lead to???

 Have some fun with your husband/wife today.

Notice the small things

With a smile I hugged my husband this morning while he stood at the refrigerator cleaning it out. 7am, just the sight of him in his pajama pants, still sleepy eyed pulling old food out and wiping down the shelves.  Gotta love that!

It's important to notice, notice the small things your spouse does to make life better, like cleaning out the refrig.  Notice these things and then say something, or in my case, do something to say thanks. 

It was a good way to start our day.

Do It Now

Monday through Friday I work with terminally ill patients and their families. I witness husbands, wives, children, grandchildren saying good bye to someone they love. Broken hearts, tears flowing, final words whispered to that special person, all these things serve as reminders to do it now. Don't put expressing your appreciation, love and grattitude for those who you love. Do it now. Tell your husband you love him, you appreciate how hard he works, and thanks for making the morning coffee. Tell your parents you love them, even if they have never said it to you. Write your awkward middle school son or daughter a note telling them they're cool and you love 'em.

Do it now, 'cause they might not be around as long as you think they will.