Divorce Makes Me Sad

The past couple of weeks I have been discouraged about the impact of divorce.  I have talked to so many individuals lately that are in the midst of dissolving their marriages.  They are despairing, worried and floundering.  Their children are so sad, angry and can’t come to terms with why the two most important people in their world don’t want to be together anymore.

This is in no way a judgment or criticism; it is simply an expression of sadness. Regardless of the situation the fact is…divorce hurts and that makes me sad. Sometimes the failure, mistakes and vulnerability of our humanness is a heavy burden on the heart.  We are imperfect people so we mess up, our mess ups can cause serious pain.

So in the storm of divorce I am so thankful for a God that loves unconditionally, forgives even the most horrible, and can be counted on regardless.  Thankful for God that doesn’t take sides, doesn’t shut down when things get hard.  My prayer tonight, “God, comfort all those hurting because of divorce and God… please help me be more like you. Amen”

How To Be Married for 30 Years

Today is my 30^th wedding anniversary.  Like all couples, we have experienced the full spectrum of easy and hard times.  I love Mitch Milton deeply and I am very grateful for our life together. Here are my suggestions for lasting 30 years and beyond. 

• Start out knowing it may not always be easy but you are signed up for life
• Laugh, a lot… I mean it; laugh like your marriage depends on it.
•  Believe in God; trust Him even when you may not understand.
•  Enjoy sex and have lots of it.
• Cultivate a network of supportive loving people, friends, family and the occasional stranger.
•  Have your own individual identity, interests or hobbies separate from your spouse.
• Learn to argue, don’t ignore stuff that really bothers you, BUT…. Only argue when you can do it with kindness and respect
• Don’t compare yourself to others; enjoy what is unique about your marriage.
• Appreciate the simple rituals you share. (coffee together in the morning, kiss hello when you return home from work, sitting together watching the kid’s sporting events)
• Accept your spouse for who they are, quit trying to change them.
• Get help when you need it.

Tolerance for Discomfort

Just came home from the funeral of a man who had been married to his wife for 63 years.  He died suddenly at the age of 83.   

He was a great guy loved by many but certainly not perfect, no one is.  As I listened to his wife talk about their marriage over the years it was apparent she had wonderful memories of sharing life with him.  But she also was honest about there being times of struggle.  Issues came up over the years because they were both imperfect and not always able to meet the others’ needs. 

I was impressed by how they had learned to accept and tolerate each others weaknesses.  They figured out a way to tolerate the discomfort stemming from the imperfections and oddities of the other person. 

Many of us are not that good at tolerating discomfort.  When we feel disappointed in our spouse, unhappy, and frustrated with our choice in a mate, we start looking for an escape…. Cause it doesn’t feel good to be uncomfortable. Oh yeah... I've been there.

My advice: get comfortable with being emotionally uncomfortable. (It is a mark of maturity to delay gratification and maintain impulse control)  Learn to hang in there until your dissatisfaction and discomfort passes.  Direct your focus to what you spouse does well rather than where he or she screws up.