You Just Never Know

This week my sister’s husband died suddenly.  He was in his early 50’s; sad, tragic and overwhelming for my sister.  This is such a powerful reminder to never take your loved ones for granted.  It is not a cliché, live as if this is your last day together.  Let little things go, pick your battles, and for goodness sake, tell your husband/wife/kids you love them…every day!

Take time to ask yourself, “If my spouse/child/friend died today what would I regret?”  What are the things you need to say?  What are the things you need to do for the health of the relationship?  Stop putting it off, find the money, the time, the courage and just do it.  Then if something happens, you will be sad, you will grieve, but… you will have no regrets.

Norm, this is dedicated to you, thank you for loving Renee so well!

Do You Claim Your Spouse?

A few weeks ago I was introduced to a gentleman like this.               

My friend: “Meet John, he is married to Susan, you know his wife Susan from work.”

John: (in a snarky tone of voice) “I’m NOT married to Susan, SHE is married to ME.”

I walked away wondering what does that mean?  John’s response, although he was trying to be funny, seemed demeaning to his wife Susan.  It was weird.  The exchange made we wonder if he was ashamed or embarrassed by her?  He didn’t seem too excited to claim her as his spouse.  Ok, I admit if my hubby said that about me I think I would be ticked.  (Incidentally, I know Susan and I think she is a really good person.)

Women, and probably men too have a need to feel chosen.  This need never really goes away even if you have been together for a long time. It reassures us that our spouses are still glad they picked us and THAT fuels our sense of security in the relationship.  If we regret who we selected for our spouse then… that’s a bigger issue and needs to be addressed in a better way than a sarcastic comment disguised as a joke.

Divorce Makes Me Sad

The past couple of weeks I have been discouraged about the impact of divorce.  I have talked to so many individuals lately that are in the midst of dissolving their marriages.  They are despairing, worried and floundering.  Their children are so sad, angry and can’t come to terms with why the two most important people in their world don’t want to be together anymore.

This is in no way a judgment or criticism; it is simply an expression of sadness. Regardless of the situation the fact is…divorce hurts and that makes me sad. Sometimes the failure, mistakes and vulnerability of our humanness is a heavy burden on the heart.  We are imperfect people so we mess up, our mess ups can cause serious pain.

So in the storm of divorce I am so thankful for a God that loves unconditionally, forgives even the most horrible, and can be counted on regardless.  Thankful for God that doesn’t take sides, doesn’t shut down when things get hard.  My prayer tonight, “God, comfort all those hurting because of divorce and God… please help me be more like you. Amen”

How To Be Married for 30 Years

Today is my 30^th wedding anniversary.  Like all couples, we have experienced the full spectrum of easy and hard times.  I love Mitch Milton deeply and I am very grateful for our life together. Here are my suggestions for lasting 30 years and beyond. 

• Start out knowing it may not always be easy but you are signed up for life
• Laugh, a lot… I mean it; laugh like your marriage depends on it.
•  Believe in God; trust Him even when you may not understand.
•  Enjoy sex and have lots of it.
• Cultivate a network of supportive loving people, friends, family and the occasional stranger.
•  Have your own individual identity, interests or hobbies separate from your spouse.
• Learn to argue, don’t ignore stuff that really bothers you, BUT…. Only argue when you can do it with kindness and respect
• Don’t compare yourself to others; enjoy what is unique about your marriage.
• Appreciate the simple rituals you share. (coffee together in the morning, kiss hello when you return home from work, sitting together watching the kid’s sporting events)
• Accept your spouse for who they are, quit trying to change them.
• Get help when you need it.

Tolerance for Discomfort

Just came home from the funeral of a man who had been married to his wife for 63 years.  He died suddenly at the age of 83.   

He was a great guy loved by many but certainly not perfect, no one is.  As I listened to his wife talk about their marriage over the years it was apparent she had wonderful memories of sharing life with him.  But she also was honest about there being times of struggle.  Issues came up over the years because they were both imperfect and not always able to meet the others’ needs. 

I was impressed by how they had learned to accept and tolerate each others weaknesses.  They figured out a way to tolerate the discomfort stemming from the imperfections and oddities of the other person. 

Many of us are not that good at tolerating discomfort.  When we feel disappointed in our spouse, unhappy, and frustrated with our choice in a mate, we start looking for an escape…. Cause it doesn’t feel good to be uncomfortable. Oh yeah... I've been there.

My advice: get comfortable with being emotionally uncomfortable. (It is a mark of maturity to delay gratification and maintain impulse control)  Learn to hang in there until your dissatisfaction and discomfort passes.  Direct your focus to what you spouse does well rather than where he or she screws up.

Fast Free Immediate Help For Marriages: Read

Yep, that’s my profound advice today for husbands and wives wanting a better marriage; start reading. In fact, schedule once a week to read for 15 minutes on the topic of successful marriages.  By taking in some information about marriage, just a few minutes a week, what works, what doesn’t’, what others are struggling with, what seems to be helpful...etc. this can make a positive difference in your own marriage. 

Make reading a habit when things are going well in your relationship and you will have stored great information in your head or favorites list on your computer for when things are not going so well.

When we face challenges in our marriages we can get anxious and want answers.  I have found immediate ideas that may help me solve my relationship issue when reviewing what others have say about it. These ideas are only a mouse click away. (But, duh… remember that you can’t trust everything you read on the Internet)

An excellent website to start with: http://www.smartmarriages.com it is full of great articles and good information.

Dads!

So thankful that father’s day causes me to pause and reflect on the great dad I have.  Dads are so important in a girl’s life.  It is no secret that our early relationship with our fathers has a strong influence on how we perceive God and what kind of husbands we choose.

My dad was fun; he was a preacher but never stuffy, pious or arrogant.  He played with us, laughed with us, and allowed us to be ourselves.  I remember at five years old he rode the Ferris wheel with us and when we reached the top, he convinced us to take off our shoes and throw them down towards our mom sitting on the park bench below.

One of his best traits was teasing us and then, as we got older, allowing us to tease him, one of my very favorite things.  For example, my dad pronounces bagel as baggle, and we laugh every time. (Oh, the examples are endless)

Thanks Dad for your influence in my life.

Too Cheerful

In the past couple months I have been told twice that I am too cheerful.  (And no, I’m not on drugs.) “Yeah, you kinda need to bring it down a notch,” said one woman.  Okay that hurt, I instantly became defensive thinking, what’s so bad about being cheerful? (I wanted to say in my meanest voice, “oh yeah, at least I’m not ugly.”  Then stick out my tongue, not very nice.)  I would take cheerful over cranky any day.  I did not like hearing someone criticize my personality.  These encounters made me feel small, and flung open the door to my insecurities.

                                                    

This makes me consider how to deal with the disapproval of others.  I must confess, I still want everyone to like me.  But that isn’t the reality of life.  There will always be people that don’t like me, don’t get me, don’t approve of me…. Sigh.

That’s why it’s important to know how to embrace my value.  Once in awhile I have to be my biggest fan.  I must remember my worth comes from God.  He made me and loves me regardless.

Passing on the Left!

I commute to work and I love finding safe and legal ways to pass the slower drivers so I can get ahead in order to get to my destination quicker.  I often hear myself say out loud to other drivers, “come on let’s get there already!”  It reminds me that I am not a fan of the cliche, “Enjoy the journey.”   

Very often we grow impatient, irritated at the time it takes to reach whatever our goal or destination is.  We look for short cuts to just get us there.  This can be troublesome when it comes to our relationships. 

Good relationships take time, they don’t develop instantaneously.  Good relationships get good by individuals experiencing life together, facing difficulties, triumphs, disasters, and occasional boredom.  Life over time provides us with the ingredients needed to figure out what works and more importantly, what doesn’t. 

So stop insisting you have to have the perfect relationship NOW. Settle in, keep your heart and mind open to learn as you go along, watch, listen and look for the gifts along the way.

Apologies Don’t Come If They Don’t Know They Hurt You

I am doing some research on the topic of apologies.  The process seems so simple in the articles I have read.  A few important steps to an effective apology, but the steps are basic. Yet repeatedly individuals tell me that they have waited for years, sometimes a lifetime, to hear a genuine, “I’m sorry” from another person that hurt them.  Why don't people apologize?

I realized in these situations perhaps the offender does not know they offended the person.  The offender does not know there is any thing to apologize for.  I reflect back to wounded places inside me that are left unhealed; times when others hurt me.  Many of those painful places are places where I never did tell the person how much they hurt me.  I assumed they should know.   Thinking it over, I really don’t think they do know.  I should never assume.


Back when the wrongs happened I was not courageous enough to tell them, "hey, uh.. when you did ______ that really hurt me."   And… to be honest, at this point, I don’t want to revisit wounds from long ago.  To tell them now would be to risk seeing a blank look on their face and me feeling the need to go into a lengthy explanation that I am just not up for.  I guess I will not pick at old scabs.


It is best to tell someone they offended and or hurt you at the time of the occurrence! 

It is my responsibility as the offended to inform my offender of the hurt he/she caused me.  There are good, bad and VERY bad ways to do this.  Going forward I want to do better.  I will strive to grow, to speak up (hopefully with wisdom and tact) and tell others when they have hurt me.  If an apology comes... great, if not, at least I know I did my part.

I Love Mother's Day

I love mother’s day!  It always reminds me of the best miracle Mitch and I ever experienced.  We prayed for a long time to become parents.  I spent many days crying, so sad, longing to be pregnant. 

Then it happened.  My pregnancy was one grand celebration.  I felt happy, excited, and couldn’t believe I was having a baby.  During the pregnancy I could be seen consuming peanut m&m’s and chocolate milk in mass quantities, it was my celebratory food of choice.  Yikes!  Could be why I gained a lot of weight. 

Derek came 6 weeks early, his first 48 hours we were filled with fear that he was too sick to survive.  But he did, making me the happiest mother in the world.

I relished and cherished each sleepless night of his infancy.  Regardless of the hour of the night I would slip out of bed with joy at the thought of finally having my own precious son. 

Thanks Derek for making me a mom, love you!

I Will Get It Done!

Today I will get it done.  I will tackle the things I have been procrastinating for several weeks.  I will force myself to finish up my project. 

Ugh…. It’s Saturday and my tired side wants to go to the Amish Bakery, eat carbs all day, and sit staring out at the lake, nap.  And you know what? I could do this Saturday that way, using the rationale that I work very hard all week, and my job is intense and now I need a break.  But………….. That would only leave me feeling like a lump, a slug.  Monday would come and I would feel guilty. 

So, I will go for my walk/run.  I will start and finish writing the second to last chapter of my first book. (To my editor – ‘it’s coming, I promise.”)  I will shop for a swim suit, (worst task of all).  I will clean the toilet. 

What do you need to do this weekend?  Just think how good you will feel when Monday comes and you got your stuff done.  Come on now, get up and do it, no more excuses.

Five Powerful Minutes

Just sat with a dear friend as her elderly mom gently transitioned from this life to getting ready to enter heaven.  My friend was thrilled to report that she finally experienced the long awaited resolve of a very difficult conflict between her mom and herself.  Stuff had come between them for many years.

“In five minutes I got what I needed and I cannot express how amazingly better I feel! “It was a 5 minute conversation that included forgiveness and a short prayer in the quiet privacy of mom’s hospital room,” she said as tears rolled down her face.  I hugged her and thanked her so much for sharing the moment with me. 

It got me thinking, sometimes when we have long standing issues with those we love, we long for a dramatic lengthy reunion, multiple intense therapy sessions, fall down prayer experiences that will make all the complex hurtful past fall into place.  Sadly we won’t be satisfied until we have an EPIC resolution. 

How wonderful to know that it doesn’t’ always require a long drawn out process or earth shattering miracle.  Sometimes even years of hurt can be soothed and healed within a brief sacred moment.  Love it when God works like that.

Warp Speed Talking!

Had coffee with a friend today.  We had not been together for a long time.  We sat for 3 hours and it seemed like 30 minutes.  Like it is with heart to heart friends, we jumped in right to the core of things that matter. 

I bet others in the coffee shop thought we were on drugs, we chatted rapid fire without pause.  We didn’t solve any of the world’s problems but I felt so good afterward.  It was therapy.  Someone to open up to, someone to care, someone to laugh, and someone to really hear me, ahhh loved it. 

I can’t put all my expectations and need for deep communication on my husband; it is not fair to him.  Because I can be a bottomless pit when it comes to needing to be heard.  That’s why my relationships with my women friends are so valuable, they provide me with a safe place to talk, process, and sometimes, yes I’ll say it…. Bitch.  So bring on more coffee dates with the girlfriends.  I recommend you give it a try.

I Love Old Men

Men over 80, that’s who I like hanging out with.  I love how they mutter, clear their throats, I love the banded waist of their shirts and jackets.  I love their worn hands, ears, noses.  I really love how they let me tease them and they tease back.  Some of my favorite old men, Doc Rock who calls me beautiful and young, my grandpa Peck who pats me and says, “honey… it’ll be alright,” and Don Kiefer who yells out, “hey baby!” as I walk by his house. What’s not to love, right? 

They have found joy in simple things and they have to tell others about it, sometimes over and over…

(“Say, did you see that they’re building a new road…. It’s really somethin’ why, those workers…just amazing…”) 

I have found older men have a wonderful way of putting things in perspective.  They have lived long enough to see a whole lot of life. They know first hand most things work themselves out; no reason to get all uptight about it.  It’s a lesson I need to learn and re-learn. 

So here’s to the old duffers, codgers, wise guys, love, love, love you old men!

So Funny!

I love to laugh.  This week I was talking with a colleague, he had been a catholic priest and we began to trade church stories.  He talked of an old priest accidentally dropping the “Body of Christ” in the cleavage of a woman wearing a low cut dress.  I shared the wondrous memory of my dad, while preaching, combining the phrases, fire fighters and fire starters only for it to come out “fire farters!”  

On and on we went; my co-worker and I, laughing louder and longer with each new story.  It felt wonderful; it was the best free therapy I had had in a long time. 

Laughter is very important sign of a healthy relationship.  It’s right up there with good sex. “Laughter establishes and restores a positive emotional climate and a sense of connection between two people, who literally take pleasure in the company of each other.” Hara Estroff Marano   I couldn’t have said it better myself. 

How you doin’ laughing with your spouse, kids, friends?  Make it a goal for the weekend.

Roots

Beautiful day went for a walk/run with the dog.  During the walk we took a break on our island (small piece of property near our cottage) for the dog to go off leash and run.  On the island there was the grand oak tree with the gnarly exposed roots running across the ground. Very cool except I didn’t see them in time to step over them.  Rather, I tripped on them. It must have been quite the sight as I tried to regain my balance.  Glad I was alone.

Roots anchor us. They provide an avenue for necessary nurture and sustenance. In a fast paced world we need the stability, constancy and permanence of the roots of long term family, community, and spiritual practice. I believe it is good for society in general. 

But roots can trip us up.  We can be “rooted” in things that need to be pulled out, brought to the surface, dug out and burned in the fire pit.  When we are rooted in tradition more than treasure, in obligation more than opportunity or discontentment more than delight, we are not rooted….we are STUCK.  Work hard to get unstuck; you will be glad you did.

Big Girl Panties

I am much more a natural encourager than a natural confronter.  It is very easy for me to sincerely cheer on, encourage, and support a person. (even a bad person) When confronting is what is needed, I am a big fat chicken.  Denial is my best friend; I will work hard to see ALL the good in others just so I don’t have to deal with the bad.  Conflict and confrontation make me want to throw up.
                                           
Obviously steering clear of all conflict and confrontation is not healthy and will not lead to successful relationships.  There are days we all have to put on our big girl or big boy panties, suck it up and do the right thing even when it means having a difficult conversation. 

The benefits to our bravery can be huge.  We can have honest dialogue, air our concerns and feelings and start looking towards solutions.  Of course it depends a great deal on HOW we do it.  When it comes to confrontation and conflict it’s all about respect, kindness and timing.

I Got Nothin'

I am committed to writing this blog.  But honestly, I got nothin’.  I have started several paragraphs on a range of topics and none of them go anywhere.  I read them over and think, well that’s just dumb.  So I end up deleting and staring at the blank screen. 

Sometimes I feel that way in my relationships too.  Days when I know I should put forth the effort to try, to give, to love, (or maybe even do the dishes).  Some days I got nothin’.  I feel absolutely no umph, for whatever reason I am empty and don’t feel motivated toward others not my husband, family or friends.  When these occasions arise, (thankfully not too often) it’s usually a message to me that I need to re-fill my tank.   

We have to have something in order to give something.  Humans don’t do well running on empty for too long.  If you got nothin’ today take action and do something that puts gas in your tank.  Call a friend, eat a cheeseburger, take a walk, watch a stupid movie and laugh, whatever refuels you emotionally, spiritually, physically.  Do something that leaves you feeling a bit more alive, rejuvenated, and refreshed.  Then get up and go do the dishes.

Deal With It!

It seems everyone is battling record high pollen counts resulting in a lot of allergy sufferers, including me.  As a result, I am a mess!  My eyes are red, itchy, my nose runs constantly, I feel tired all the time…yeah, I’m lookin’ really good about now!  I hate it!  Because I cannot escape it I am forced to deal with it.  It nags at me 24/7.  

There is no way to avoid the pollen from the blooming plants around us.  It floats through the air, seeps through windows, doors, there is no escape.   This means numerous trips to the drug store.  I stopped today even though it meant I might be late for work.  I pull out my driver’s license so that I can buy the “hard” stuff from behind the counter.  One tablet isn’t enough, so I am experimenting with doubling my efforts.  In the mean time I continue to explain, “no I haven not been crying, or smoking pot, my eyes are just red from allergies.”

Just think if our relationship problems were like pollen in the air. What if they showed up everywhere? What if we felt the negative or harmful effects constantly, like burning itchy eyes that couldn't be ignored?  It might not be a bad thing.  In order to eliminate our suffering we would have to take action and deal with our problems. 

I call this the blessing of discomfort.  Discomfort is a catalyst to action.  Simply put, when something bothers us enough, we finally do something about it.  Denial is set aside; we pursue solutions until we find the resource that works to ease the suffering.  The key here is look for the resource that will truly help and be good for us in the long run too, no shortcuts.

The Pig Has To Go!

We spent the past two weeks moving. How in the world did we accumulate so much stuff?  This was the move that the pig cutting board was finally laid to rest.  He left the house in a bag of garbage.   

We had received the pig cutting board for a wedding gift 30 years ago!  Each time we moved in the past I have debated, do I throw it out or keep it?  Although it rarely gets used and takes up room in the cupboard, I just never had the heart to pitch it.  I still remember unwrapping it along with our other wedding gifts and not quite knowing how to react.  It would be the most “interesting” gift we received. 

Made me think of other stuff we can carry around in our marriages that should be cleaned out and thrown away.  There are things about ourselves or our spouse we don’t like and rather then deal with them, we keep hauling them with us throughout our life.  When we finally “clean out the cupboard” we make room for something new, hopefully something better.  How about those grudges, resentment, buried hurts, maybe it’s time to pack ‘em up with the pig and set them on the curb!  Just a thought.

Tick Toc, Tick Toc

Have the night to myself. Supper consisted of BBQ potato chips, guacamole, Italian bread, and chocolate chips for dessert!  My comfy jammies on at 5:30pm, the remote control in my hand, Ahhhhh.                      

Time alone is important it gives us opportunity to just “be.”  We are unhinged from constraints or expectations of others.  I think of it as free form for the soul. Our mind, emotions, physical body can go whatever direction we want.  For a brief period of time there is only us to consider.  It is a chance to attend to our own needs.   

Of course this must be balanced with the rest of our lives and time with others who are important to us.  But if your spouse asks for time alone, assume it is not personal, don’t get offended.  Congratulate them and doing something healthy.

Let me know if you want my recipe for my guacamole concoction.

Tax Deadline - Relationship Deadline

In addition to having been in ministry, my husband is also a CPA.  Each year as the tax deadline approaches, we typically get several calls from those needing his help.  They readily admit they are stuck, don’t know how to fill out their form, or want his opinion to confirm they did it correctly.  Usually he can help and they are relieved knowing it is completed and sent in on time.

Rarely do these individuals hesitate to call and ask for help when they need it.  Rarely do they complain or resist his minimal fees for doing their taxes.  It got me thinking…I wish calling, asking, paying were this easy when we need help in our relationships! 

It is often difficult to ask for help when we are struggling with our marriages, friendships, or parenting skills.  I get stuck thinking, “I should be able to handle this!”  But sometimes I don’t know how to handle it and I usually wait too long to ask for help.  I am getting better though.  Like taxes maybe it would work to have a due date for marriages too.  By April 15^th every year we have to have our review of our relationship report done and turned into someone???

As a wife and a therapist I can attest to the fact that getting help sooner in the struggle or strain is way more effective than waiting and hoping it somehow will take care of itself.  The intervention, advice and outcome go much better and rarely do we regret it even if we have to pay money.

Be Inspired

Good speakers inspire me.  It is not really so much their content that inspires me the most, it is usually about their skill as orators. After being inspired by a speaker I am energized to put together another speech of my own.  I like public speaking; I love the thrill of knowing that somehow I connected with the audience emotionally.

Cute old couples inspire me to be a better wife.  I watch these gray haired husbands and wives together, hearing aids, wrinkled hands, walkers and all.  When I see they are still patient, tolerant, and kind to each other after many years of marriage, I am moved deeply.  They have weathered the storms that life brought and they are still hangin’ tough. The whole scene leaves me teary eyed and sentimental and I am usually much more loving to my husband at the end of the day. 

Of course different things inspire each of us.  For some it is a walk in nature, or a good movie.  Whatever inspires you I think it is important to make time for it.  Inspiration encourages and motivates us to be better; and we all have areas where we can be better.

Spill Your Guts!

Yesterday I was an unwilling witness to a wife venting, spewing her deep unhappiness with her husband’s behavior.  Her concerns were valid, her feelings were real, her objections were reasonable.  But her timing was TERRIBLE.   

The three of us, the wife, husband and I standing in a hallway, were having a conversation, and it was two minutes until we all needed to be somewhere else; this is when she unloads. Sheesh!  Her husband looked shell shocked.  I had no time to try to facilitate good conversation between them or clarify what she meant.  

We all have the right to bring up our concerns and vent when we need to.  But timing is everything.  Consider these suggestions: pick the right time, right place, and the right audience.  When we spill out guts it just gets worse if we do it with someone, or at some time or in some place that is inappropriate.

March Madness

March madness, May madness, Mune and Muly madness… find something to go mad over each month!  During March Madness I enjoy cheering on the Badgers with my husband.  March madness finds us yelling, “Go Bucky!”  I even pretend I understand the whole bracket thing and occasionally fill one out.  It is fun to watch the games together and share the good food that goes with it.

Makes me think about how good it is to share something with your spouse that you can cheer for together.  Rooting for the same team, the same cause, the same person, can bring you closer together.  Focused and united on an issue helps you feel connected.  These are simple things that help bring you together and prevent “creeping separateness,” as C.S. Lewis calls it.

Go Bucky!

This Too Shall Pass

This morning  I am reminded of another popular phrase, “This Too Shall Pass.”   Until it does pass, hang in there.  When I am facing difficult circumstances I take a deep breath, grab a hold of this and move on to the instructions from the New Testament, “Attach your thoughts to whatever is pure, lovely, admirable, if anything is excellent or praiseworthy think on these things.” Phil. 4:8.  Simply put, THINK ABOUT GOOD STUFF!

It is easy to get bogged down under worry and negativity, with good reason.  Sometimes life just keeps throwing us really big problems, they punch us in the gut and take our breath away.

But today as Wisconsin enjoys a premature spring day I will focus on what is lovely.  I will release my concerns and let God care for them.  I will notice the warm air, the sunshine, the grass already looking green and the trees that are budding with new life.  I will go for a walk outside and end my day… with a dairy queen blizzard!

Goals…. She scored!!

I have been busy at work developing goals for the grief services at Agrace HospiceCare.  It requires me to think big picture, long term.  I begin by asking, “What do I want us to accomplish?”

I recommend this same process for our relationships.  We increase the likelihood of succeeding in something if we actually formulate and state specific goals for it.  What might be the result of a conversation with your spouse, a friend, or child that begins with, “So… what do we want to accomplish in this relationship?”  Another way to say it is, “Down the road, several years from now, what do we want to say is true of us?” 

Here are a few of my goals for my marriage:

• Remain committed (and be glad about it) together till one of us dies
• On-going efforts to review, tweak, and improve our relationship
• Ask for help and get it when we need it (counseling, prayers, books or workshops)
• Retain a sense of friendship, fun and passion

What would your goals be?

Consider having this conversation with those you are in close relationship with. It can be a great way to connect.

Is There Craig's List for Marriage?

We love Craig’s List.  We have sold several items we no longer want.  Simply posting them and shazam… people come, actually give us money and cart off their treasure, (our clutter).

But it’s not that easy with the junk we don’t’ want in our relationships.  It often takes time, effort, patience, and lots of energy to remove the barriers to a healthy relationship. (And no one gives us money for them either)

The rewards we get for our efforts toward a healthier relationship are much greater than the cash in hand for our unwanted furniture.  So hang in there, be encouraged, you will like the pay off.

Whew, how did you do it?

While leading a grief support group for individuals who have lost their spouse I met an elderly gentleman.  His wife of 69 years had just died.  He missed her terribly.  I had to ask, “What is the secret to being married to the same person for that many years?”  Tearfully he replied,
      
“Accept and Adjust!”

 I have thought about that many times.  It is simple yet profound.  Typically we resist that simple advice.  It is hard to accept others, especially our spouse. It is easier to complain, nag, worry, shut down and disengage. 

 There is a certain freedom in acceptance of our spouse.  When we truly accept them for who they are it creates a space for us to love them unconditionally.  Something to think about.

What Did You Say?

I like to talk.  I am out going and typically don’t have trouble making conversation. My verbal skills also play a huge role in how I make sense of my world. When something is troubling me I think about it then I want to talk about it.  I may need to talk about it several times over.  Even when there is no new information I often have to say all the same things…again.  Hearing myself speak has a way of realigning my brain and it frees me up to finally let it go; whatever “it” is.  

Fortunately I am married to a guy that is a really good listener. He is better than I am at this skill and I am a therapist.  (Yep, opposites attract) He learned early on that being my sounding board was a great gift that he could give me.  He has also mastered the art of listening without trying to “fix” the problem.  And I think it actually takes pressure off him to know I am not asking for a solution, just an audience.

How often do you give your spouse, friend, family member the gift of really listening?

It's Not Rocket Science

I was in the grocery store the other day and I over heard a young couple talking back and forth to each other as they shopped.  Talk about cranky and harsh, yikes!  Their tone of voice was so biting and mean.  I was embarrassed for them. 

Again I was reminded of what I think is profound advice to help couples, ready for it...here it is, BE NICE!  Think about it, can you imagine how much better our interactions with our spouse and others would be if we followed the advice of our moms, to be nice?  I know, it doesn’t’ solve everything, but rather than jumping into expensive, deep therapeutic interventions, digging into the depths of our childhood trauma, escaping through unhealthy coping mechanisms… being nice is a simple place to begin to see change in our relationships.  Go ahead, try it, be nice to someone today.

That is Sexy!

Now that’s Sexy!

 Yesterday at 3pm about the time I need a nap, beautiful lavender roses were delivered to my office with a simple card that says, “I love you.”  They were from Mitch, my husband.  It was not our anniversary, my birthday, or another special day, it was… just because.

Hubba, hubba, a simple, unexpected surprise letting me know he was thinking of me, (and spent money no less) that is a turn on.

I think that a lot of women react similarly.  The sweet spontaneous gesture sends us into a tizzy.  To us, that is sexy, it a great pre-cursor to other activities…  you know what I mean!!

Wake up and work on it

  Just spent time with 4 couples who have come together to work on their relationships.  I commend their courage.  They are all strangers but have decided to take action, enroll in the group and see what happens.  We will spend the next several weeks exploring some really hard issues.  They will work hard to be honest, open, and take responsibility for their growth and improvement.  They will do the homework and have the conversations with each other that lead to greater transparency and intimacy.  It is so cool to watch them evolve from strangers to friends who care about each other.

  Each time I lead a couples therapy group I am amazed at how it changes me.  I am always inspired to try harder in my own marriage.   It points out my own  areas of complacency, as often happens, I come away getting more out of it than I predicted.

It’s good to do things that wake us up to our relationships.  It is easy to be sleepy, and take each other for granted.  Way more beneficial to be alert, to try harder, to be sweeter, kinder.  What inspires you to work on your relationships?

Upside Down Relationships

With our current economy, have you heard the phrase,” they are upside down in their home and they have no options but to walk away from it?”  I understand it means that the house is now worth less than what is owed on the mortgage which they no longer can afford.  Tragic.

I was thinking about being upside down in relationships.  What happens when a relationship is worth less to me then how much I need to “pay” into it to make it work?  What if I cannot afford to pay any longer?  This could be a problem.

There are times when our personal investment of time, emotional energy, money, and sacrifice is no longer worth it.  We begin to see the destruction of ourselves as we sacrifice too much in order to try maintain the relationship.  Not only do we feel upside down, we feel crazy, exhausted, and defeated.

Sometimes we decide to stay engaged in the relationship and keep looking for options to help ease the stress and strain.  Sometimes we walk away.  Neither choice is an easy one.  If you are in this predicament, may God give you strength and wisdom to make the right choice.

It's not all rainbows, unicorns and fairy dust.

Look, I realize if you don’t know me well, on the surface I can come across as a Pollyanna.  I tend to see the cup as half full, look on the brighter side etc. etc.  When we are hurting this type of person can be annoying. Trust me; I am personally aware that sometimes it is very hard to see the brighter side of our relationships.  Sometimes things are just plain hard, and only get harder.  When we love others, we take a risk; it can set us up for heartache.

I too have had seasons where all I can do is breathe and wait, hoping that tomorrow it won't hurt so bad.  During personal difficulties I have a phrase I repeat to myself, “Time passes, God moves, and things change.”  It is not a magic formula or quick fix but this is my experience.

Have Fun

I am a big advocate of fun.  When is the last time you and your spouse had fun?  How does your spouse define fun?  We are going to have fun today; we are going to walk around Home Depot and look at kitchen displays, dreaming of our perfect kitchen.  We are getting ready to finally remodel our cottage kitchen.  We have been talking about it for years, now we actually get to do it.  So, spending time in Home Depot is REALLY going to be fun, seriously it is.  Then who knows what that might lead to???

 Have some fun with your husband/wife today.

Notice the small things

With a smile I hugged my husband this morning while he stood at the refrigerator cleaning it out. 7am, just the sight of him in his pajama pants, still sleepy eyed pulling old food out and wiping down the shelves.  Gotta love that!

It's important to notice, notice the small things your spouse does to make life better, like cleaning out the refrig.  Notice these things and then say something, or in my case, do something to say thanks. 

It was a good way to start our day.

Do It Now

Monday through Friday I work with terminally ill patients and their families. I witness husbands, wives, children, grandchildren saying good bye to someone they love. Broken hearts, tears flowing, final words whispered to that special person, all these things serve as reminders to do it now. Don't put expressing your appreciation, love and grattitude for those who you love. Do it now. Tell your husband you love him, you appreciate how hard he works, and thanks for making the morning coffee. Tell your parents you love them, even if they have never said it to you. Write your awkward middle school son or daughter a note telling them they're cool and you love 'em.

Do it now, 'cause they might not be around as long as you think they will.